


Nightmares

by icalledherocean



Series: Old Ghosts [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, Pete's World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 23:04:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icalledherocean/pseuds/icalledherocean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She stopped being able to sleep properly after the first jump in the dimension cannon. The insufferable nightmares began sometime after the first month. She spent so many nights in the grip of some altered reality, even worse than the ones she spent her days running through, unable to pull herself out of the fog.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

She stopped being able to sleep properly after her first trip in the dimension cannon. It was hellish, jumping between different realities in search of the Doctor. Countless times she would find him, some version of him, only to have it turn dark. There were so many of him spread across the different universes, none of them the right one, none of them the proper Doctor,  _her_  Doctor. She saw him with eleven different faces, saw the pain and judgement he has faced, will face.

It felt like a never-ending string of hurt and spiralling depression, making her more and more distant after each jump. Her mum begged her to stop, saw the person she was becoming from being exposed to all of this, but she couldn’t. The stars were going out, every universe she landed in had the same ones missing. Finding him meant saving everyone, saving all of creation… but it became more than that, so much more. She needed to find him to save  _herself_.

The insufferable nightmares began sometime after the first month. She spent so many nights in the grip of some altered reality, even worse than the ones she spent her days running through, unable to pull herself out of the fog. She would wake screaming, covered in sweat, and just hug her knees until her breathing would even out.

To escape, Rose would spend the hours she couldn’t work on the cannon pacing her office at Torchwood or her flat, making lists. Lists of realities she’s been to, lists of villainous creatures she’s encountered, lists of worlds she visited with the Doctor. Lists of reasons to get back to him…

Her family eventually found her out, realized what was she was doing. Her mum threatened to have Pete take her off the project unless something changed, but Rose couldn’t face the nights alone anymore. She refused to move back into the mansion, so everyone took to staying at her flat in shifts. Mickey would stay through the beginning of the week, Jackie the middle and Jake would stay weekends. It was complicated and bothersome for everyone, but it helped and when Rose would wake in the middle of the night, one of them would be there talk her down.

The first two days after her final trip to Bad Wolf Bay, she slept through the night with no problem. She finally reached the point of utter exhaustion and when sleep came, it was sound. On the third night, though, she suffers through a different kind of nightmare featuring the Doctor dead and broken, unable to regenerate because now he’s part human. It’s worse than any she’s had before and when she finally is able to wake up, she’s screaming and sobbing so hard she can barely breathe.

"Rose?" The Doctor calls out from across the hall. She can’t calm herself enough to answer, to tell him she’s fine even though she most certainly isn’t. He bursts through the door moments later, his hair dishevelled, eyes wide with concern. When he realizes there’s nothing actually dangerous in the room, he walks directly toward her bed. He’s at her side in a few strides, kneeling down and searching her eyes for answers. "What’s wrong? What’s happened?"

She just shakes her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. He frowns and takes her hands in his, rubbing his fingers across hers slowly, giving her some comfort. She takes several shaky breaths and shifts her hands, lacing their fingers together. They sit like that for a few minutes, the Doctor running his thumb across hers while she tries to stop shaking.

When her breathing evens out a bit the Doctor reaches up and wipes away her tears. He gives her a soft smile that can’t quite mask how worried he is. “What happened, Rose?”

"It’s nothing… I… I had a nightmare," she whispers and looks away, suddenly embarrassed. Her cheeks heat up and she feels completely stupid. It’s what a child would do, wake up crying because of a ‘bad dream.’ The thought helps steady her and she lets go of his hand. "Sorry I woke you."

He places his hand against her cheek and slowly turns her back to look at him. “I wasn’t asleep,” he whispers, a deep frown taking over his face. When fresh tears spill over onto her cheeks, the Doctor rises up and sits on her bed, pulling her into his arms. She leans against his chest and can feel how fast his heart is beating. “Can I do anything?”

In reply, Rose just wraps her arms around him, pressing even closer to him. All she wants right now are his arms protectively around her. “Just stay…” The Doctor nods and shifts until the two of them are lying back against the pillows. He runs his fingers along her arm and, wrapped up with him, she feels at home for the first time since coming to this universe. Rose curls her fingers into his t-shirt, closing her eyes to block out the rest of the world except the Doctor and the way his fingers feel moving up and down her arm.  _He’s here, he’s right here and alive._  She silently repeats the words over and over, willing the vivid images from her dream to fade away.

"How long has this been happening?" The Doctor’s voice is quiet, and of course he knows tonight isn’t the first time she’s woken up like this.

Opening her eyes, Rose refuses to look up at the Doctor, at the worried look he’s certain to be wearing, and gives a slight shrug. “A month after I started using the dimension cannon.”

He takes in a deep breath, like he knew that would be her answer, knew she would have residual effects from jumping realities. “Of course,” he whispers, almost too soft for her to hear but not quite.

"I had to keep going." She looks up at him, determination reading on every inch of her face. "We needed you. The stars were going out across every reality I landed in. I knew something bad was happening and no matter about me… I needed to find you. We needed you," she pauses and shakes her head then whispers, " _I_ needed you.”

He’s giving her a searching look with something behind it she can’t really define. They spent three years apart and now he has a whole new arsenal of expressions she has no idea about. She had been foolish to think he would be the same. She’s changed from the years working at Torchwood, of course he would have.

"You never needed me, Rose," he looks away. "I needed you."


End file.
